Well, Its hard to say this to the people that view this, i don't know if this is the right place for it, i don't want to be the center of attention of anything, I just saying what is on my mind. I have a lot out of history of my self feeling so depressing of the artists artworks and sometime friends people have. To tell you the truth, I have been a jealous guy when I lay eyes on peoples master peaces they make. Some people you might know and see have the greats works and they make a name for them self as good , great, fantastic, or more. I get so jealous so easily on the artist I look up to, and it sad I keep feel so depressed of it because I'm not up there, I lack the skill, detailed work, and action poses and etc. My body just tremble when I lay eyes on the artist's artworks, I look over there works and feel less of an artist time after time and after time again. I can't help my self being so down all the time because I can't keep up what I want to achieve my goal to be a better artist. Its mostly the same thing goes with working out or weight lifting. I can't achieve anything. I look at every one else how they progress so greatly and yet I'm still trailing behind like a turtle. I want to get better in art plus working out, I know I whine a lot, depress around people, I do want to stop this.

Its bad that I'm doing this depressing around people and I know its not right to do that. I end up making other people upset plus the people around me and sometimes friends and plus people I talk to on IM. No one wants to deal with this, I know, I don't want to walk on there door step and crying like a storm with no end. I don't know what to do, I still trying to find a path, a style, skill, the heart of toughness to get through this but yet I'm still falling. Its easy to say I want to get better and get great at what I want to achieve but its hard to do it then saying it. I'm jealous on the artist and weight lifters here but I try to to ask so much question how you do this or how you do that. I don't want to be a nail that sticks out than get hammered for the things I say and making people uncomfortable.

Right now I'm just trying to find my way back, try not to feel so jealous of other people having more than what I have in artworks they show that are fantastic works and friends they have more of and etc. I just need to go a long just being me my self and say what ever seems right to people I talk to and not something that will put me in the chopping block and getting my head cut off for the things I say wrong. There are a lot of thing I wish I could turn back and start over. I had things hard and I guess I deserved it.. or maybe I do or maybe not but I was really a depressed guy for few years.

I'm put this out to tell my true self, I don't want to be in the center of attention. I don't know if this will bring me down on people that talk to me but I sure thing it have with a lot of people.

This is what is on my mind how things been for the passed year but I have yet told the hole story of my self..